A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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