Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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