I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
