I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize