Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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