chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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