Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my sisters under your porch take her home
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize