I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
