I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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