You work out of a Hotel?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
