I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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