I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize