i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
