Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
