Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
