Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
