I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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