So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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