i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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