I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
