i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize