No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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