Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
