So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
