I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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