I am spending my child support on dildos
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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