i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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