There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
