Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
