Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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