He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
