im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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