just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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