I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
