I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
