My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
