Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
