I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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