I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
