so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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