You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
