im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
