So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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