i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize