This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
