I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
