people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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