worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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