Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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