i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
