I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
We smell like vodka and hangover
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