OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Welp...herpes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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