By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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