if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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