My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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