"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize