i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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