I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
