Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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